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Why Do Women in Their 30s Not Want to Date Men in Their 40s?

Posted by Evan, 09 May

One of our male readers was wondering...

"I’m a 42 year old single male who recently left a 5 year relationship for various reasons, but mainly because I wanted kids and she did not. I thought that since I was an attractive, fit, well-educated, financially and emotionally secure guy that I would have no problem finding a woman in her mid 30s to settle down with and start a family. I have tried a combination of online dating, speed dating, professional singles events, volunteering, happy hours etc. and have had very few dates over the past year. I thought that online dating would be great since you are essentially pre-screening people for dates. I have found that I get no responses from any women online and the only women who respond to my ad are usually much older and don’t meet any of my criteria outlined in my profile.

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I am told that women want to settle down and have kids, etc., but their actions seem to be to the contrary. At singles events, women come in groups and are reluctant to talk to men. In online situations, women say they want desperately to meet a nice guy like me, but never answer my response to their profile. I am trying to remain positive, but two things are really bothering me. One, that younger women are no longer interested in dating men who are even just slightly (3-5 years) older than them and sometimes want to date men 5-10 years younger then them. Two, women seem to be content in the fact that they are independent and self-sufficient and have a career, family and friends that fulfills them and don’t seem to be interested in truly finding a relationship. I find the latter hard to believe, but find this mantra in every profile of every professional woman online. Any advice on how to navigate these new paradigms in the dating world?

Adam."

Dear Adam,

You came to the right place.

And to directly address your email, I have to divide my response into two different parts:

1) What You’re Getting Right and

2) What You’re Missing.

Let’s start with What You’re Missing.

What you’re missing is that what you want has absolutely no relation to what women want.

We’ve addressed this before, from an older man who couldn’t possibly fathom why a younger woman wouldn’t want to be with him. This isn’t all that much different. We can complain that the opposite sex is unrealistic and passing up great opportunities – and we’d be right – but it doesn’t change that people want what they want. It’s not fair. It’s not right. It just IS.

From 25-34, men play around a lot. Why? Because they can. They have a lot of dating options, they’re building their careers, and there isn’t a clear urgency to settle down.

Once a guy crosses 35, however, he (theoretically) tends to get more serious.

Alas, the women with whom he wants to get serious are 27-34. This gives men time to court, fall in love, travel together, move in, get engaged, and enjoy a few years of childless marriage before starting a family.

The problem is that many women from 27-34 are independent professionals just like their male peers. They, too, have a lot of dating options, are busy building their careers, and don’t have a clear urgency to settle down.

Then she hits 35. Theoretically, this is when she starts to get more serious. This is also when all the problems start.

Because 35-40-year-old men who are ready to settle down still want to have time before becoming dads. Thus, their target market remains women, 27-34 – who may not be ready to settle down quite yet. These women still have money to make, places to travel and oats to sow.

The 35-40-year-old women who ARE ready for marriage, unfortunately, are roundly ignored by the men they desire – their 35-40-year-old peers. These women are youthful and find themselves far more attracted to men in their 30’s than their 40’s.

Which brings us to you, Adam. You say you’re looking for a woman in her mid-30’s. That’s perfectly fair. But if none of them are looking for you, your wheelhouse is going to be women in their late 30’s to early 40’s:

Find the people who want you. It’s the same exact advice I give to women in their early 40’s who want men in their early 40’s…except men in their early 40’s want women in their 30’s.

And around and around we go.

I’m being a bit unfair, Adam, because there IS a market for a 42-year-old man – and you can certainly be doing better than you’re currently doing. Seriously. But the bigger takeaway is that ALL of us are very judgmental on age. To a 34 year old woman, 42 sounds OLD. To a 42-year-old man who wants his own biological children, anything above 36 is getting into risky territory. The lesson to all of you younger readers: take your love life seriously when you turn 30, instead of waiting until you’re 35 or 40.

Evan Marc Katz is a dating coach who specializes in helping smart, strong, successful women understand and connect with men since 2003. Thousands of his clients have fallen in love, gotten married, started families, and found happiness – after only a few months of coaching. His latest dating book, “Why You’re Still Single – Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad”, was a critical success. He also operates a popular blog, EvanMarcKatz.com, which serves as a one-stop shop for anyone trying to understand relationship dynamics. Combining the insight of Dr. Drew and the wit of Adam Carolla, Katz has answered hundreds of challenging and controversial questions with a unique combination of logic, experience, and empathy. Take Evan's dating quiz.

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29 responses to "Why Do Women in Their 30s Not Want to Date Men in Their 40s?"

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  1.   TANZIKA says:
    Posted: 28 Aug 18

    Western cultures. Hmmm...

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    • mirelajohn says:
      Posted: 18 Oct 18

      No unfortunatelly ,all races has the same problem , the same happens with the women also ,they search for younger men when they are 40+,men do the same ,that the problem in this world ,and after these all these stupid people suffer all life and end up alons or divorces forever cus they dont look for true love ,noooo they alwaya look for youngef people ,men 100 percent ,women maybe 60/70. The diffeeence is that women will take u even old if u have money. That why i dont pitty no one haha i have profiles i dating sites,do u know how many older men write me even when im wrote i search 22-38 aged man,cus im 30 years . Just people look for sex not love that all their mistake ,instead of finding love first,cus the sex is everywhere u can pay even with some young women or man right? Expecially black men in their 40/45 still looks atractive and much younger but im.not interested ,cus their character will not fit me expecially after few years later. Im looking fresh for my age ao even the guy is my age if he acts or dress like old men i cant be with him ,cus he will not fit me i will feel old

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  2.   Mosiah7 says:
    Posted: 24 Jun 18

    I didn't even know this was a thing. Being in your 30s isn't really much different from being in your 40s. As far as a guy in his 40s wanting to date a young woman, maybe some of them are thinking about fathering kids perhaps. Whatever the reason, that is their personal choice just like joining an interracial dating site was our personal preference.

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    • mirelajohn says:
      Posted: 18 Oct 18

      U wrong many of these men has kids even, and mostly even 25-29 years guys are written they seek women 18-23 for example??? Instead to write 18-35 or 25-35 ,u get me ,this is maybe 80 percent of all men no matter of the race

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  3.   gurgure says:
    Posted: 27 May 18

    I can't tears my self from her because I loved verymuch

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  4.   DulceLuv says:
    Posted: 27 May 18

    You get responses from women who are older than you, but you want to date a woman who is younger than you. But you don't understand why younger women aren't interested in a man who is older than they are. LOL! You seem almost offended that older women are the only women that reply to you online. Well, surprise, some younger women don't want an older man just like you don't want an older woman. Younger women don't owe you their attention. At this point stop focusing on age and just find a mutual connection with someone.

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  5.   Blessedtessy says:
    Posted: 21 May 18

    Hi Adam not all women are the same. It's also vice versa. U have not found her yet. Keep searching because there are still some good ones like me out there. So don't be discourage, just be good.

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  6.   tweetysal says:
    Posted: 21 May 18

    I believe when looking at dating a lady of that age then he should open up to the fact that these might also be single mothers

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  7.   Victoriya says:
    Posted: 21 May 18

    There are still young ladies interested in meeting older traditional gentlemen. Keep looking & be optimistic.

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  8.   NubianQnNJ says:
    Posted: 20 May 18

    What woman in her right mind who is financially settled want to have babies in this racist and misogynistic country? Men have failed to understand that women are at a huge financial loss when they have babies. There is nothing absolutely pleasant when women have babies. She is emotionally, and financially responsible for that child for the rest of her life. When men lose all their money, who do you think they move in with? Momma!!! And I tell you why? Because of society hatred of women. Most marriages end in divorces anyway. So what’s the point of having kids when the only thing men do in the long run is leave? No thanks

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    • sethie2140 says:
      Posted: 28 May 18

      Don't you think it's a bit unfair to throw ALL men into the same category?

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  9.   NarobiB says:
    Posted: 16 May 18

    On the contrary I find men being the ones not wanting to settle down ,us women at the age of between 27 -34 Are ready looking for men 40 and up but seems is hard to find them

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    • hifee says:
      Posted: 01 Dec 18

      I agree, they would rather go for 20- 26 years old women.

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  10.   Kathirini says:
    Posted: 14 May 18

    Nice one

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  11.   development6 says:
    Posted: 12 May 18

    Its a numbers game and if you have enough money and are this hot shot you say you are, there are no shortage of gold-diggers out there that will happily go out with you... to the cleaners.

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    • sistu says:
      Posted: 21 May 18

      Well you would have been right if the guy was looking after some golddigers to go out with but apparently it's not what all men wants.

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  12.   Lordsyrim says:
    Posted: 12 May 18

    My advice to you is first and foremost accept the glaring truth that men and women have NOTHING in common except that they are two parts of the same human species, you are using your male logic to put 1+1 together to see yourself as a catch ,unfortunately women though sometimes logical when they want to be go mostly with their feelings , if I were you I'd pay attention to what they write in their bios as it gives an insight into what she's feeling pay less attention to the physical attractiveness as men our brains are easily high jacked by a women's beauty,I also think you should never ever go to speed dating seminars or whatever, spread your options my guess its only in a western culture you're looking for someone ,were the women are more independent,career focused etc ,expand your search to more traditional cultures where men are seen as the head of the home you would probably find amazingly beautiful ,educated women and more than eager to date you,this is just the reality you can accept it or continue being frustrated

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    • Tashwon says:
      Posted: 15 May 18

      You are spot on my friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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    • Annab2b says:
      Posted: 18 May 18

      @Lordsyrim, please don’t count us traditional women out within the western civilization. We still exists, myself included. It’s just in order to meet these high quality men/women, we have to go through a field of haystack before just settling for the first date. Also sometimes we post too much unwanted information on our profiles and once we come across one thing that we don’t like, we pass up on giving each other a chance. I want to also point out from my perspective, if a male has listed more than one type of relationship.”friends, long term and dating”, I will not follow up. Why? I don’t want to waste your time while you decide what you really want as this process of getting to know each other.

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      • NardiJMGirl says:
        Posted: 11 Dec 18

        Annab2b, that last point about the different types of relationships was a really good one. I've never looked at it like that.

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  13.   Dammy_H says:
    Posted: 11 May 18

    The analysis seems to have so much sense. Honestly, I'm in my late 30's and would gladly settle down with a lady in her early 40's. Alas! I haven't really considered the aspect of NOT having my own biological children with such a possible date What am I to start thinking now!? Change my dating options or what

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  14.   Tatiana12345 says:
    Posted: 11 May 18

    Mmmmm nice one ever

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  15.   Guegue15 says:
    Posted: 09 May 18

    My opinion is some men don't want to settle down they Just want to play games living a double life thinking somebody's after what they have insecure have too much baggage Pride don't know what they want in life don't settle for less it's always good to open up and give yourself a chance don't jump to conclusions too fast not everybody's looking for an opportunity life is too short for those nonsense...

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    • Paganinifan says:
      Posted: 19 May 18

      And men can say the same about women. You’re not on here looking for a woman are you? No. So therefore you have no idea the games women play. I’ve been played more times than Monopoly on this dating site over the last 10 yrs when I was in and out of relationships and came back on here to see what options I had. Prior to 2008, I was able to get actual dates in person. Within the last 10 yrs, something happened to people (mostly women) of all ages of adulthood. Be they considered millennials or women in their 30’s, all I got was back and forth chatting and phone texting that eventually went nowhere. And many times, most of these women had tons of other men lined up and told *me* that *I* took too long to make a plan to meet. So much for “learning lessons” from the times I *did* suggest meeting women after a good first conversation. I was told I was *rushing* things. Pardon me but MEETING doesn’t mean we’re gonna end up in a relationship. Is it “rushing things” when we meet someone in our daily lives and decide to exchange numbers and make a date? So why is it considered rushing because it’s a dating site online? Women play games, too.

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  16.   Radiantrossy says:
    Posted: 09 May 18

    Nice...

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