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New Year, New Profile, New Photo, New Love!

Posted by Leticia, 25 Jan

Whether you are new or been on the site for a while, when was the last time you checked out your own profile? How old is the photo you have? It's a New Year so time to review and renew! Internet Dating Coach Melanie Dodson tells us why having a great photo and interesting profile is the path to your New Love!

Dr. Wright:
This is Dr. Letitia Wright for idcdating.com. IDC Dating is where we are creating multicultural relationships every day. Today, my guest is Melanie Dodson. She is the Internet dating coach at www.internetdatingcoach.com. Let me tell you a little bit about her.

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During her first few months on online dating, Melanie noticed that the average daters were not very effective at presenting themselves in their online profile or through their correspondence. She also met many folks who were hesitant about using this fantastic tool due to their concerns which she saw were often based in truth but ended up being largely blown out of proportion.

Melanie began dispensing Internet dating advice and teh feedback to her single friends and acquaintances she was known as the Internet dating poster child.

In April 2005, Melanie was asked to testify in front of the Florida State Legislature in support of a bill that would effectively make Internet dating safer. Her involvement in this important legislation is a testament to the experience and the insight that she provides to the Internet dating community.

Welcome Melanie Dodson.

Melanie:
Thank you very much.

Dr. Wright:
We are going to talk about today - - really you are specializing in profile makeovers. And people are not really making their profile the best. They are just kind of winging it, writing it, and you really specialize in making someone's profile a fantastic tool.

Melanie:
Yes. That is right. What I found through my personal Internet dating experience going back several years ago with the average Internet dater was - - as you said doing a poor job of representing themselves. And part of it was the medium is new and people were not really sure what to say, what was appropriate, what was going to be interesting, what was going to make them effective and compelling online. And part of it is just people tend to be a little bit lazy about certain things and do not necessarily put the effort in.

When I came into it I noticed that this is a really great tool. And if people could really optimize and put the time into it and the thought they could potentially get some really great results. Because every day people are coming together, meeting each other online and I said well, there is so much potential here. I would love to help people to use this tool more effectively.

Dr. Wright:
Okay. Now, when they are beginning to set up their profile, what are some of the things that you ask people to really think about?

Melanie:
Yes. The first thing which may be obvious to some but it is interesting when you talk to people because others they do not really have a clear idea about this. And that is what is it they are looking to get out of this? What is their goal? Some people are looking just to meet people, make friends, maybe they are new in the area. Some people are looking to go on as many dates as possible. Some people are looking for a life long partner, want to get married, have kids; something like this. And then there are a lot of people who just kind of have their toe in the water.

So the first thing is to get a clear idea on whatever it is, no judgment, but to get an idea what is it your looking to get out of this? The second thing is how well do you know yourself? And that is the first question that needs to be answered when it comes to putting your profile together. Because the better you know yourself, and what makes you tick and what you need, and what you desire, and what works for you, the better you can do at creating sort of an advertisement which is what an online personal is. It is basically an advertisement telling people what you are, compelling them to read on. And also to engage with people who would be a good match and compel them to respond.

Dr. Wright:
Okay. So when you sit down and work with someone on how well do they know themselves, do you mean in terms of what kind of person they want or what they need in their life?

Melanie:
Yes. A lot of it is really sort of a personal journey where you are maybe brainstorming; writing down what is it that I need? There is different techniques. There is a book that is out by actually the founder of a big Internet dating site. And the gist of the book is to come up with the top 10 must haves and your top - - and I think that is a really great tool when you are going out into internet dating, for example.

Other tools are a lot of online sites will have tools that lets you basically gauge your personality type, psychological profiles, compatibility tests. They will have you take which then they will use to go ahead and not only give you the feedback so you can get insight into what are your priorities, what are your values, what makes you tick. But then they will go ahead sometimes and help you to find matches by using the results of those tests.

Online, in general, whether it is on a dating site or any other sites there are so many free tools out there to help you with this introspection. And give you a lot of ideas if you do not already have a crystal clear image, if who you are and what you need. But that is a very good first step for any dater really and especially for an Internet dater. Because that is where you have to put it all down on the screen. And put out what you are - - put down what you are all about. And if you do not know that the next step is going to be more difficult.

Dr. Wright:
Okay. Then what is our next step?

Melanie:
The next step is once you got a clear idea of who you are and what you are looking for, you need to put together a presentation. And any online profile on any site is going to be comprised of 3 major pieces. The first piece is going to be your photo as everyone knows. Most sites have a spot for photos, very important piece. The second piece would be your essays. And that is any kind of written essay or description that you would put, an answer to any other questions that the site might have. The third piece would be your multiple choice answers. How you answer any question that has a multiple choice format. All 3 are equally important. And they need to be given equal attention.

Dr. Wright:
Okay. Let us talk about the essay.

Melanie:
Okay.

Dr. Wright:
Is it this one big long paragraph, should it only be 400 words, what is your recommendation?

Melanie:
Well, most people I find tend to go a little bit on the shorter side. Now, I think there are some people out there who are just so gifted at writing that they can really compel people and evoke what they are all about by writing very concisely. I think the average person probably needs to take advantage of most of the space they are given. On any given dating site you are going to have a parameters for how much you can write. Some sites will have about a thousand words that you can - - excuse me, maybe it is a thousand characters. Whatever it is in certain essays you should take advantage; most people should take advantage of that space and fill it up. Having said that you do not want to just write anything to fill up your space. But once again you have come again into this. If you are at this stage, you really should have that clarity. And you should pick out probably I would say 5 top ideas that you want to get across.

For example, if you are someone who is very much into family, meaning, you might already have children or you want to have children or you are just very committed to your parents and your grandparents, whatever family means to you. If that is one of maybe your top 5 things that is key for you that you want to get across to a reader. And that would be one of the things you put on the brainstorm list that you would talk about.

Other things could be if you are very into health and fitness. That might be something you want to talk about and explain and elaborate on that. Anything else that would be really key for you. You are not going to necessarily have room in your essays depending on the site to write about everything under the sun that is interesting or important to you. But you want to pick the top handful of things that will be not just important to you but focus on your reader.

Whenever you are putting your profile together, any aspect of it, keep your audience - - your ideal audience in mind. So one thing to think about when you are writing is: Who am I targeting? I know myself. I know what kind of match I am looking for. I need to write to those kinds of people. They are my audience. I am not trying to be all things to all people. I do want to keep in my mind the people I am trying to attract and bring in.

So that kind of helps set up the framework. And a lot of people that I coach when I sense I say that to them they have sort of an a-ha. Because part of what keeps people from really writing much on their essays or writing anything that is interesting is that sometimes they just do not know what to say. Because they are thinking what if I say that, I am going to come across this way. Keep in mind you want to get across with what is the most important to you but you are not trying to be Mr. or Mrs. Right to everybody. So there is something to be said for being distinct.

Dr. Wright:
And knowing that you are cutting off some people with what you are going to say and you are okay with that because that is not who you are trying to attract.

Melanie:
Exactly. You are not trying to be controversial. But you are trying to be authentically you.

Dr. Wright:
Okay. Okay. So, they have to think about who they are talking to. And think about, I guess, you can go back to that. Your top 10 things that you would like to address on that or something that are important.

Melanie:
Or pick of the 10 things that you said are the most important. I would pick 5 of them that would be relevant to your audience.

Dr. Wright:
Okay. A lot of people say your headline has got to be a killer headline. Do you agree with that?

Melanie:
I think it helps. Certainly you do not want anything that does any damage and that to some people may be obvious with those things are. Anything that is inappropriate or crude or certainly anything negative should be kept out of it.

Dr. Wright:
Okay. Well, give us some quick examples that we should not be doing.

Melanie:
I see some headlines that sometimes you do not know if someone is trying to be funny or clever or just have dark humor but when you do not know them, you do not know that it can come across as strange. An example, I saw once with a woman who had written, "I am tired of dating all these losers." Some people will say something like "I am sick of the bar scene. Somebody out there, help."

So a lot of people you will see in their essays will talk about how they are tired of the bar scene and all that. And you may or may not realize. And if you do not have experience at Internet dating, there are certain things out there that are cliché. It does not mean that they are not true and they are authentic in some sense. But you will see them so much to become not only cliché - -

Dr. Wright:
Meaningless.

Melanie:
What is that?

Dr. Wright:
Meaningless. They become meaningless.

Melanie:
They become meaningless. And also in the case of things that are negative. "I am tired of the bar scene." That maybe true. And that maybe something that someone else can relate to; however, in my opinion, if you are going to be putting - - choosing the words you have put out there I would say accentuate the positive. You do not want to come across as negative. If you are really in a negative space, you would not think about whether this is a time you want to start dating. There is something to be said for dating when you are ready. But generally, you want to have a positive but real expression of who you are. So stay away from the negative. Stay away from inappropriate. And try to be fun. Try to be creative. You do not necessarily want to use private jokes because - - so they are just that. They are private and no one will understand them. But find a few key words or phrases that really - - sometimes if you have written or put together your entire profile and then go back and try to do the headline. Sometimes it is easier because what you are getting across, what you want to get across your profile, is sort of your theme. The way you express yourself. You have a theme.

Once again, you picked your top 5 areas. You are kind of expound on all of those. People can get a sense of who you are, it is your profile. Set them as you put it together, go back, and hope the headline is maybe a little easier.

Dr. Wright:
Okay. So when it comes to talking about these specific things that you are into, how can we represent them to make them, I mean, look interesting? I mean, do we just say, "I like to bowl. I am looking for someone else who likes to bowl"? I mean, do we really go into a little more detail than that?

Melanie:
Well, I mean, bowling as an example of recreational activity, if it is something that you have really enjoy, you really are looking for partner as one of the things - - of all the things in your life that you have chosen is most key for you to put out there. You put it in the section about what activities you like. Or if they do not have that section that you have room, you put it in your main essay.

But what you do want to do is stand off from the rest. And anything you do to describe yourself, let's say you like bowling. Let us say, you have 5 different sports or hobbies that you usually like to do. Instead of what a lot of people do is they list them out. I like to bowl. I like yoga. I like playing with my dogs. I like - - that is all great. Because it is a good step in the right direction. That gives someone an idea of who you are.

But one way to make your essays more interesting and to stand out from other people and to make them unique is to kind of elaborate a little bit. Tell a story. It can make people want to read what you have to write. The way to do that is if you are talking of bowling, if you have chosen that as one of the things you definitely want to get across, tell a story - - a real story. How - - I was just bowling last week. And I scored my highest score this season and have my bowling shirt, short shirts. And here is the picture. There is a picture attached. Make it kind of colorful. Make it interesting. If you have chosen to talk about it do not just make a list of activities or a list of attitudes describing yourself but explain and illustrate your point and make it interesting.

Dr. Wright:
And bowling short shorts would interest most men.

Melanie:
Well, I try - - I did not mean this. That is true. Better be careful with that, mostly to women. But what I mean to say is bowling shirt.

Dr. Wright:
Okay. So we are putting our profile together. We have got our headline. And then we get to the multiple choice or the question and answer part. In order to not be negative, like you said before but yet truthful, is sometimes it gets difficult for people to answer those questions.

Melanie:
Yes. What I find is - - I would say this. The first step that I do when I am coaching somebody is we go through a brainstorming slash interview session. And in that session, I am asking them all kinds of questions and pulling out of them all sorts of information so I can get a sense of who they are, what is important to them and then help draw the theme from that. Now, that is with me and my coaching clients. But you can do that same thing for yourself. If you sit down, sit down and brainstorm and go, "Okay. You know what? I have gone through. I found online this survey that I can do that gives me sort of a psychological profile. Just gives me a little bit of insight and material I can work with." I would do that first.

Once you have done that, sit down the results and say, "Okay. I have got this. I am going to use this along with what in my head I am thinking I want to get out of this experience. And what is it I want to put out there?" Brainstorm everything that comes to mind. Put it all down on paper. The definition of brainstorm in my mind is to basically dump everything from your brain on the paper with no self-editing. And that is the first process that gets you to a creative space.

So what I say is don't self edit it, put it all down. What are they looking for? What would be very exciting to you? Assuming that you have anything you want in a mate. Do not say, "Well, I really like this but I do not think it is realistic." Start of by just thinking, dreaming big. Like with anything. Put it all down and then go through "Okay. You know it. Now, I that I have put it all down." Go back the next day and say.. This is what I want to talk about. These are my top 5 areas I want to get across.

Once you have completed your profile or your draft, I should say, of your profile. Keep your profile hidden at first until you are completely done with it. As far as the first draft - - the first round rather. Keep it hidden so that you can work on it over the course of several days.

When you got your first draft done where I think it is a great idea is to run it by a couple of good friends. And I would include in those friends that you have, male and female friends to get a couple of different perspectives. Not only will they give you feedback about what you have written but they may say, "Hey, I think you are so fascinating in this way." And I think that is a really great selling point. Maybe you should talk about this or I see you talked about that. Maybe you should tell this story and that will be so interesting or that is not appropriate maybe you should not say it that way because it comes across in a manner that you do not intend.

This kind of feedback can be really invaluable because for any of us trying to write something especially when they are pouring out on this profile who we are and what we are looking, it kind of makes ourselves vulnerable. And for a lot of us this is completely new. It is hard to see things the way other people will see. So do yourself a favor and get a couple of friends to help you out.

Dr. Wright:
Okay.

Melanie:
Give you their stamp of approval.

Dr. Wright:
Their input. Yes. Okay. Is it okay to change your profile, once you have been on the website for a while and - - or is that seen as not good.

Melanie:
No, what I think is good is think of your profile as like - - to some extent as a website. A website that has somewhat dynamic content. There is certain things about your profile and about you more importantly that won't change. In your core you are who you are. You are trying to get the same message across no matter what. But you want to keep your profile interesting.

What happens a lot of times is that Internet dating is not a static experience. It is very dynamic. There is new people coming on, people dropping off all the time. And in general it is - - dating sites are growing. So you are never going to have the same people on any given day or week looking at your profile. There will be some of the same but you will always going to have new faces.

Another variable that you want to keep in mind is always think about who is your audience. You are going to have people who are in a different frame of mind. Let us say somebody is in one state of mind and looked at your profile then a month later things in their life and their perspective have change - they are looking again at your profile. You will never know who is going to want, to possibly approach you or react differently.

Another way to keep things interesting for those same people who may come back or for new people is to change up some aspects of your profile. One of the fastest ways to do that - - fastest and easiest and the most impactive ways is to change your photos. Now, we did not talk yet about photos but I do think it is a very important piece. If you do not mind I just like to take 1 or 2 minutes on that.

Dr. Wright:
Okay. Go ahead.

Melanie:
Photos are a really key piece of anybody's profile. And what you will find them on some dating sites - - on most dating sites is there is always a certain percent of people who do not have photos. I have yet to meet a client or anyone with an Internet dating experience who chose not to have a photo up and had a good reason. It is so rare that people have no photo and have a good reason for it.

Typically, it boils down to people not being savvy enough to know how, not feeling comfortable or otherwise just do not - - have not gotten around to it; a little bit lazy. So having said that important - - very, very important to have a photo up there.

When you have a photo up you want it to be again, a compelling, interesting, it has to be you; it has to be recent. One thing that I find is universally appealing is the use of great color and clarity and composition in your photos. It does not necessarily mean that you have to go to a professional photographer, although that is all right.

And just a quick note. If you do go to professional photographer make sure they know that you are doing this for Internet dating. And find out if they have any experience with portraits for online personals. Because some people will put you in the old-fashioned kind of photographer studio with the blue-sky background. And it is going to look way too staged and in my opinion does not come across the right way for the medium of online dating. Get someone who can take some shots with you outside. Typically those work really well in my opinion.

But if you are not going to look for a professional photographer and let us face it, most of us do not do that. Get a friend to take some pictures that you think are representative of what you are trying to get across. Again, keeping in mind who you are and your image.

And I would also - - in choosing your outfits, choosing your settings keep the choice wise. So I will say if you are into athletics and fitness and what not, and you go to yoga a couple of times a week or you bowl. I would say wear that outfit in some of your pictures. Maybe you are even actually taking the pictures just asked her before or during an .You are having your digital camera with you for example. And you are getting some photos of you in your real life.

If you are doing a sort of stage photo session, try to re-enact some of it. But you want to get the whole range of your life. Everything that is appropriate.

Dr. Wright:
Everything that is appropriate. Thank you so much Melanie Dodson. She is at www.theinternetdatingcoach.com. This is Dr. Wright for idcdating.com. At idcdating.com we are creating multicultural relationships every day. Thank you for joining us. Remember, ignoring one's conscience is neither safe nor right. And I will see you next time.

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  1.   unme23 says:
    Posted: 16 May 07

    i try cocoa...lol

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  2.   Cocokisses says:
    Posted: 10 May 07

    You're funny UNME23 :) At least you're honest...LOL!

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  3.   UNME23 says:
    Posted: 08 May 07

    I GUESS IM ONE OF THEM FEW THAT ARE FAR IN BETWWEN...LOL

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  4.   Cocokisses says:
    Posted: 30 Apr 07

    I agree Fala. Some take the time to read it, but if you get questions like what city are you in, or do you have kids, you know they didn't read it. I have to admit that those are few and far in between :)

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  5.   Fala says:
    Posted: 27 Apr 07

    No matter how many times I update my profile - none of the men that contact me seems to read it. It s almost like I m talking to myself. Save yourselves some time guys - read first!!!

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  6.   nicefella115 says:
    Posted: 19 Apr 07

    i need a total makeover

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  7.   unme23 says:
    Posted: 18 Apr 07

    believe we look at the pics.....lol

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  8.   fala says:
    Posted: 15 Apr 07

    Hooked on phonics Jade - that is priceless!

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  9.   sweetnes20 says:
    Posted: 13 Apr 07

    its better then ebonics.......lol

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  10.   Cocokisses says:
    Posted: 02 Apr 07

    You guys are funny :) Jade, you know you are wrong...hooked on phonics?? I laughed right off my chair :)

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  11.   unme23 says:
    Posted: 30 Mar 07

    do doubt pleasure, so beautiful!!!!

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  12.   Jade74 says:
    Posted: 21 Mar 07

    Thank you Tarah for the comments.Most don't read profiles.Do we need to get hooked on phonics for them..that won't help most. I just change my picture last week.

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  13.   pleasjure13 says:
    Posted: 19 Mar 07

    There are soooooo many beautiful women on the site...

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  14.   SWEETNES20 says:
    Posted: 17 Mar 07

    i totaly agree with you pleasure.

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  15.   unme23 says:
    Posted: 17 Mar 07

    i love the new look.

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  16.   pleasjure13 says:
    Posted: 16 Mar 07

    Wow...looks like the site is getting a new makeover and it looks terrific.

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  17.   unme23 says:
    Posted: 16 Mar 07

    your right, what did you get yourself into. lol...

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  18.   pleasjure13 says:
    Posted: 15 Mar 07

    What have I gotten myself into?

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  19.   pleasjure13 says:
    Posted: 12 Mar 07

    If u do what u always did u will get what u always got...beauty is only skin deep...but ugly lurks deeper.Personality does it for me.

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  20.   pleasjure13 says:
    Posted: 09 Mar 07

    By the time you get all made over father time has crept up on you...I guess that is life.

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  21.   unme23 says:
    Posted: 08 Mar 07

    you guys are to funny....

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  22.   Fala says:
    Posted: 07 Mar 07

    You and me both Coco.

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  23.   Coco says:
    Posted: 07 Mar 07

    My whole body needs a makeover!

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  24.   justknowingu says:
    Posted: 05 Mar 07

    good article..many good points...!!

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  25.   Fala says:
    Posted: 05 Mar 07

    Spring will be here soon, time to think about maybe updating my profile again. Do some spring cleaning. ;-)

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  26.   nicefella115 says:
    Posted: 03 Mar 07

    i guess i should put a new pic up, considering i lost 20 pounds.

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  27.   Tarah says:
    Posted: 03 Mar 07

    This all sounds good (the article) however I come to realize it does not matter what I put on my profile. Majority of the men apparently tend ot just look at my picture and then send me a message asking questions I already put in my profile. **sigh** Or even worse, I clearly put of which ethinic group I am interested in and I get flirts and messages from someone who is NOT in that ethinic group. **sigh** Men, this is not good! I feel you can't either read or you clearly don't care what I have to say about myself and my desires...

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  28.   pleasjure13 says:
    Posted: 01 Mar 07

    Todays inventory....If only I could booster my self confidence.

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  29.   pleasjure13 says:
    Posted: 28 Feb 07

    Seems like the more I take a personal inventory of myself the more that needs restoring.

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  30.   sweetnes20 says:
    Posted: 28 Feb 07

    maybe a new profile, but not a new pic.

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  31.   nicefella115 says:
    Posted: 28 Feb 07

    i think i just may throw in the towel.

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  32.   unme23 says:
    Posted: 28 Feb 07

    thanks for the jokes, but i will put up a new mug and it will be worth 1200 points........lol

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  33.   pleasjure13 says:
    Posted: 26 Feb 07

    Damn... I am still planning to update my pf...hopefully before 2008.

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  34.   pleasjure13 says:
    Posted: 25 Feb 07

    Too bad they don/t have " Winning Hearts" to choose from. Sure I like a nice looking woman..but she can be nice looking to me with a great attitude.

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  35.   mossimo36 says:
    Posted: 23 Feb 07

    Too funny Fala!! Time for my update!

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  36.   Jade74 says:
    Posted: 19 Feb 07

    LOL...@FALA....SOME OF THE PICTURES ON WINNING FACES...NEED UPDATING...AND HELP

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  37.   unme23 says:
    Posted: 19 Feb 07

    thanks fala, what can i say, i guess my mug aint worth didling...lol

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  38.   sweetnes20 says:
    Posted: 18 Feb 07

    lmao at fala!!!!

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  39.   Fala says:
    Posted: 13 Feb 07

    Awwwww Unme23. Well what do you expect? I only got 10 points when I picked your mug in Winning Faces. LOL

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  40.   Pleasjure13 says:
    Posted: 10 Feb 07

    Which is the worst of over expression of self or under?

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  41.   Fala says:
    Posted: 09 Feb 07

    Without Justknowingu. Very few guys can do the whole facial hair thing.

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  42.   unme23 says:
    Posted: 08 Feb 07

    new profile, same old bad luck.

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  43.   mossimo36 says:
    Posted: 07 Feb 07

    Perhaps its time for a change!!

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  44.   justknowingu says:
    Posted: 05 Feb 07

    we should all update our profiles once a year....I guess...

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  45.   sweetnes20 says:
    Posted: 04 Feb 07

    change is good sometimes.

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  46.   justknowingu says:
    Posted: 02 Feb 07

    yup...its wintertime right now and I have a goatee...it looks good..but its not going to do me any favors in the summertime--its too hot...!!..so with or without....does it matter!!???

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  47.   lizzy2005 says:
    Posted: 02 Feb 07

    I'm goin to get some new pics.

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  48.   unme23 says:
    Posted: 01 Feb 07

    yeah........i guess its time for a change.

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  49.   sweetnes20 says:
    Posted: 31 Jan 07

    i hear ya coco, alot of sweetnes out there.

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  50.   Fala says:
    Posted: 31 Jan 07

    I need to update mine too - it's grown stale.

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