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Stay with your Own Kind

Posted by Leticia, 15 Sep

Have you ever thought about what kind of dater you are? Are you purpose driven or passion driven? What's the difference? Well, some people date to have a good time, not be alone, meet new people and make new friends and acquaintances. Others date with the sole intent to find a mate, get married and start a family. Which are you and are you seeking other daters or mate'ers? Before you go out on your next date you must know the answer to this question... am I a dater or a mate'er.

Hi, my name is Leticia and I'm a MATEer. With all my heart I thought right up to the writing of this article that I was a dater. However, upon looking at my history, atlas, I realize that I am not. The funny thing is that I love to go out and have a good time, make new acquaintances and all that, but, I usually do that with my own tried and true friends. It's through that group that I usually meet someone else and long before I go out on a date with them, I always ask myself if this is a man that I would want to be in a relationship with? Do I want to invest my time, energy and creativity in getting to know him?

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If so, I go, if not, why bother going out on a date...I'm not that hard up for a free meal. That's me. I have to say that I haven't been on very many dates. This is how I've come to realize that I am in fact a MATEer. It seems that by the time I've gone through the selection process in my mind on who I want to date, I've been so "on-point" that I promise you that over 90% of those dates have turned into relationships. The shortest being my high-school sweetheart and we are still friends today.

Why did I think that I was a dater? Well, I think it's because I love the idea of being with different men (in a non-sexual way), having a great time and not looking for anything more. Just being me. See the majority of my friends are male, my two best friends right now are guys. We talk about religion, sex, politics, women, men the whole gambit. There's no trying to impress just "invest". I've learned more about myself and guys along the way. This is what made it so much easier for me to "not waste time" on guys that I know where not to be a part of my big picture.

Being a DATEer to me symbolizes a person that is not afraid to go out and have a good time despite not having the perfect man or woman in their life to do it. So many of us are so alone and lonely and yet we refuse to try and have a good time. I guess that's why I've always thought that I was a DATEer, because, even when I wasn't in a relationship, I had no problem going out for the sake of going out. Calling friends and saying, hey, I want to see that new movie, or I feel like dancing, paying my own way. Or if the funds were low, telling them "hey, I'll get you next time".

It's like the saying 'if you don't know where you're going, how will you know when you've arrived? If you are a man or woman that is a MATEer like me, and you are spending your time, energy, money and efforts going out with DATEer's, yeah, the possibility exist that one day they may find someone that they want to mate with, but the truth is that right now...that's now what they are looking for. Timing is everything in a relationship.

It's like going to a non interracial dating site and hoping to find other singles that want to date interracially. Yep, you can find them, but boy if you don't have to go through a lot of other folks to get there. So, this is one of those rare times when you will hear me say...maybe you should stay with your own kind. DATEers with DATEers and MATEers with MATEers...unless you want to spice things up...and that's okay too. Do you, just know who YOU are first!!

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15 responses to "Stay with your Own Kind"

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  1.   fkoi says:
    Posted: 28 Jun 09

    Looking at my history, I'm glad to realize that I am a mater rather than a dater. I'm not a serial monogamist but, after I sowed my wild oats, I have been in long-term relationships and that is what I continue to seek. When I go out on a date, I am on a quest to find out more about my date in order to see if we would be compatible for something more than just a second date.

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  2.   ashley720 says:
    Posted: 09 Dec 08

    Weellll...I used to consider myself a "mater", but this relationship I'm in now makes me think of myself as a "dater". Yes, the question of 'Would this guy make a great husband?' does cross my mind, but it's not as bad as before. I'm not really stressing the idea. Early on in the relationship it bugged me that we weren't having common interests, but we got along otherwise. That's all that matters, right? Well, I battled with that idea for a few months, then I thought of the movie "Something New." This guy that I'm with now is the first black guy I've ever been with, although I'm black myself. I took the catch phrase from that movie and applied it to my present relationship, "Let Go, Let Flow." It's helping a lot. I realized that I'm only 18. I should expand my bounderies, get out of my "husband checklist" mentality and have fun.

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  3.   Browniemaker says:
    Posted: 12 Nov 08

    This article was extremely on point. There are several questions and pints that the article points out. If you are a "mater" (myself) why invest time, energy, and money in someone who just wants to have a "good time," a "dater?" Unfortunately, the tragedy exist when deceptive and manipulative people verbalize that they desire a monogamous serious relationship that could/ or will possibly lead to a permanent relationship (marriage), BUT that is not want they really want! In other words, manipulation by "daters" with persons who are "maters" is all too common. An unempathetic attitude, emotional abuse and neglect is of no consequence to these individuals. They are like a buyer at a car dealership..."I like this one...I'll take it for a test drive...I'm tired of it already let me move on to the next one." They treat the opposite sex like tissue paper. Use and throw it away. My suggestion involves first knowing who you are. Second, research the person as throughly and objectively as possible. Third, don't make excuses for the other's shortcomings, flaws, or inadequancies. Finally, never compromise what you want. Just remember...what out for the "wolves in sheep's clothing!" There are plenty of them out there. To all my fellow "maters", Pray and good luck! :)

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  4.   kenyanito says:
    Posted: 27 Oct 08

    i think i wasn't sure where i belong but from this article, i may call myself a dater... Good luck everyone in knowing your status

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  5.   UNDRT8KR says:
    Posted: 25 Oct 08

    In reading this article, I must agree, there are DATErs & MATErs. I have to say if I had to think of which catagory I fell into, I would state I am a MATEr. With that said, I am looking then for another who is also a MATEr who finds me just as interesting as I will them. The dating scene today is not for me, I hate the game playing and the "Interview Process" involved when getting to someone. I just want to find someone who I click with. Serious relationship...or MATE-R, however you want to put it ...that's Me :)

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  6.   VAPrincess says:
    Posted: 14 Oct 08

    The article does have a lot of merit. I have always known that I am a MATEr and that's probably why I have been on very few dates and even fewer repeat dates. When you realize the man is not on the same track as you (SUDDENLY not interested in being in a relationship), I know there is no point wasting my time. If we get along, have a good time and can be friends then that is great. I always like having good friends. I am like you in that I can call a friend and say lets go see that movie and grab dinner, hang out, etc. I truly am at a place in my life where I am not interested in wasting my time or anyone elses. I know what I want and will not settle.

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  7.   SWF68 says:
    Posted: 13 Oct 08

    I could not agree with you MORE!! It boils down to that saying, "when you settle for less than you deserve, you get exactly what you settled for". (Thank you, Oprah) Know who you are, what you want, what you will not tollerate or settle for. Explaining up front that you are a "dater" or a "mater" saves a great deal of time in the long run. Here's the kicker though, some people want you to be what they want you to be. Know YOU! And the rest should fall into place. If it doesn't then someone was lying to their self first & you second...

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  8.   cocobaker813 says:
    Posted: 01 Oct 08

    After reading the article, I definitely put myself in the MATEr category, but I really want to become a DATEr. I've been taking a break from dating for a little while now, and found that I've learned a lot about myself and what I really want in life. The self imposed exile was great, but I think I'm ready to meet someone....or a whole lot of someones!

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  9.   Bwluver says:
    Posted: 29 Sep 08

    not sure what this means exacily;are you implying that people should stay in there own race?I think this storyline indicates that people should be more committed to each other,whether,purpose or passion.p.s. back to staying with your own,sounds better everyday to me,because it's the female that has to bare and live with kids!!

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  10.   Jabali says:
    Posted: 28 Sep 08

    What this means to me is that people are varied and learning to live with that variety is the key (to me at least).

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  11.   Pia65 says:
    Posted: 26 Sep 08

    I've been a widow for nearly 4 years and have only begun to date this past year. I'm not sure if I want to have a long term relationship yet, but I agree with Namaste2008 about us women being better listeners as to when a man speaks...... I suppose that's why the good Lord gave us 2 ears and 1 mouth. We need to hear what's being said rather than what we want to say. Hopefully when that "perfect" person for us comes along...we'll recognize him as "the one".

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  12.   Namaste2008 says:
    Posted: 25 Sep 08

    I was married 23 years to my Beloved. He died 5 years ago. I started dating two years ago. I really started listening to what men say about themselves and women. Plus, I enjoyed being wined and dined again. Women, we need to learn to listen. Men tell us who they are and what they want, once we stop talking. Remember, they listen to us, observe what we say and act accordingly. We sometimes talk too much and emote too much. Learn to listen, pay attention to our "masculine" side. I met and mated with two partners. Beautiful men from whom I learned, again, that men make great friends, daters and maters. We did not stay together because neither wanted a long term commitment with me. That doesn't negate the fact that they were right for me at that particular time. We remain friends because that was our base and our friendship bond deepened when we were no longer lovers. Relationships have many stages. All we can do is be Present to ourselves and others. Communicate at every stage of the relationship where you are individually and together. If you communicate honestly your thoughts, words and actions will reveal who you are to your partner. Listen compassionately. You will know whether you are alone or together. Most of all, I am learning how to have a great relationship with myself and to share that process with whomever I encounter so we can learn and growth together for our mutual benefit.

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  13.   nickie810 says:
    Posted: 23 Sep 08

    Never thought about it like that. I have definately been going out with daters and I am a mater. Need to stop wasting my time. Often they just want to have sex. I'm not going out for that so I always end up saying what a waste of time. Thanks for the article.

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  14.   cazador says:
    Posted: 21 Sep 08

    where is my date

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  15.   lyn says:
    Posted: 20 Sep 08

    so-so. A couple of typos but. Daters STAY with Daters and mateRS STAY WITH mateRS???That is a sputid statement. Don/t like being rude. It makes no sense to me?

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