Moving ON...after the love is gone
Last month we talked about how abuse from our childhood lingers and affects our adult relationships. What about the non-abuse traumas? Those relationships that just ended without a warning and blindsided us and instead of moving on, we're spending far too much time trying to figure out "what went wrong"?
I've often heard that women fall fast, but men fall hard, that when a woman decides to let go it's easier for her to move on and get past that relationship. Men on the other hand, because it usually takes them longer to "fall", it takes them a while to get over losing that relationship because they did hold back and resisted and they take on that failure and it strikes the ego.
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Now at no time did you hear me say that men have a hard time moving on to another person, just another relationship. Sometimes. Some men. And with all generalizations, they are just that...general. As with race, not one rule applies to every race and certainly it does not apply to everyone within that race. Not everything here applies to every man or woman. Take what applies to you and learn from the rest.
As I see it, the bottom line to moving on is letting go. That is most definitely easier said than done right? But, if you really think about it, letting go is simply the act of making a decision. You do it or you don't. You hold on to those great memories of all the times you shared (all three of them over a 5 year period). Or you choose to forget about all the times he or she told you they would never lie to you again, (three times a week, every week over a 5 year period).
When we truly decide to let go, what we are saying is that we will no longer let something from our past keep us from moving forward, keep us from enjoying life today. Sometimes we hold on to painful memories as a reminder of what we "won't ever do again". We continue to punish ourselves over and over again so that we don't "forget" that painful lesson. How could you possibly forget it when you're carrying it around on your back like a baby in a backpack? My favorite quote is "Forgiving isn't forgetting, it's letting go of the pain".
Often we forgive the other person, but we never forgive ourselves. "It was my fault", "I should have know better", "Why do I keep making the same stupid mistakes"? Ever had that conversation with yourself? The answers are simple, because you woke up one day and made a decision to love someone else, to trust someone, to give of the most important thing you possess...you.
As with many things, everything isn't for everybody. This doesn't make you any less desirable, intelligent or worthy of love. It just means that the person you choose wasn't the person for you. It doesn't mean that the next person will be the same or treat you the same or that you will make the same "choices" that you made before. But, you gotta try. You gotta love, live, laugh and sometimes cry. If you are a spiritually based person, then you also pray.
Ask whoever you believe in, even if it's only yourself, to assist you in forgiving all past pains and sorrows, hurts and deceptions. To guide your heart and mind, they must both be ready and at a place that is open to accepting true, un-conditional love and acceptance. You can not make someone love you or be true to you. You can only make yourself available to give love and truth. You can make a way for someone else that has made that same choice to connect with you...when you are both ready.
In order to get a love that we desire, we must first let go of the pain. Make new friends and new memories and allow yourself to move on to a happier you.
This is Leticia, you deserve it.
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Responses to "Moving ON...after the love is gone"
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romeoluvs says:Posted: 03 Oct 06breaking up is ofcourse a sad moment but we have to move on.. life never stops.
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frances40 says:Posted: 03 Oct 06your blog was inspireing...so very true but also alot easier to say...when there true love involved from only one side it scars u forever and sets your way of thinking with other relationships 4 ever...makes you bitter and takes along time to recover...
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browneye68 says:Posted: 02 Oct 06yes thats a really hard lesson.... but if you take it as a chance you will grow on it and it will make you stronger you have to go on thats life and we have to look forward
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Coco says:Posted: 02 Oct 06You can't move on unless you truly let go, otherwise you're stuck in limbo waiting for that person to come back...
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unme23 says:Posted: 02 Oct 06moving on is one of the hardest things to do..........sighhhh
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ChoiceLove says:Posted: 02 Oct 06
VERY good article: It is very hard to let go of a love, especially if for you, it was real and strong. There are many relationships that lasted for years before a big break up and in most of those cases not only do you lose a love but you also lose a friend. The hurt and pain is a like double dose of grief. It takes time to let go and forgive and it is better to be completely ready before moving on to another person. If we have not let go of our past relationship, our feelings of the hurt and pain carry on into the next relationship, therefore we are unable to give the new person a real chance. It takes time to heal after a hurt like with any wound. An emotional wound though is something that we have to work on constantly while we do heal. We cannot just put a bandaid on it and wait. Forgive yourself first then forgive the other person in your past, let go of the hurt and you will have the freedom to find a love that will last and last.
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unclebobo says:Posted: 01 Oct 06you have to be true to you self then you can be true somebody 1
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Imamystery says:Posted: 01 Oct 06You can't ever chose who you fall in love with, and you can't really know everything about a person that you'd like to. There are so many different types of abuse. I, myself was in a bad relationship and it was extremely hard for me to leave that person, because I saw so much potential, and thought perhaps if I am there for him, he'll realize things don't have to be this way. I finally had the strength to walk away. Ultimately, you have to love yourself more than you love anyone else (other than God of course). No one lives your life, or lives with the decisions you make, but you, and to live, you have to be yourself. Regardless of what you've been through, you cannot be afraid to do things, or to put yourself out there, or you just aren't living.
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lizzy2005 says:Posted: 30 Sep 06It is hard to move on when a person u really care about moves on and u still have feelings for them. But eventually u have to do it for ur own happiness.
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bradlee says:Posted: 30 Sep 06wise words from lots of readers...but it's easy to tell others what to do or how to ease the pain. if in bad relationship, it's always hard to let go or do the right thing cos usually it involves pain in sum form.
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Coco says:Posted: 29 Sep 06
Moving on is hard. Sometimes we stay in bad situations longer than we should because its easier to ignore things than to feel the pain of loss. Great article!
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Robert says:Posted: 29 Sep 06
wow. what i can i say about it. First. It was such a wonderful article. Second Time is the best Medicine
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Robert says:Posted: 29 Sep 06
I really enjoyed the article and i have learnt so much from it.First it cover both gender. I really don't have much to say about it since it is awesome.
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besweet says:Posted: 29 Sep 06This is a great article. It addresses the issue for both genders. I my self learned along time ago , to give my self time to heal afterwards. I had to take grief counceling when my mother died and councelor told me she gives the same advise to someone in a break up as she does for grieving. Because when you do break up it is losing a part of yourself you've given in love. And you do need to grieve that part that is lost to you. NO matter what the situation or what kind (good or bad) of relationship. YOu need grieving time, and in turn healing time to get your self together. She suggested a set aside time each day to do this, an alotted amount of time. and each week reduce the time. Always have an activity or something lined up to do afterwards to keep your mind busy, and after awhile you dont spend much time at all if any grieving any more. And then there is the advise my grandmother gave me, SO how much time do you think they spend thinking of you?? A few minutes a day here and there if any?? So why waste any more of your time being tore up over them, than they spend thinking of you?? And dont ponder that question too long cause more than likely they havent wondered about that at all either.
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Natural72 says:Posted: 29 Sep 06
For me a clean break is usually best. Even if we were friends first, one you past the plutonic stage,it's no turning back.
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naturallyliz says:Posted: 28 Sep 06I agree with this article but I think sometimes you have to stop and take a look. There's often a common denominator and it's you. If you're choosing the wrong men to love for whatever reason then it's not a bad think to evaluate yourself and ask yourself why you let yourself love that person.
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sweetest1 says:Posted: 28 Sep 06This really hit home... took me a long time to get over my ex... I think most of the pain comes from feeling like someone doesnt want you... not really from the pain of losing the person. Can we all say the person that broke our heart treated us great and was a good man/woman?? More than likely they were jerks and we are better off without them.
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Mystify24 says:Posted: 28 Sep 06
Good article. Sometimes we do need to just take some time to heal and think about the red flags we missed and the things we might or might not have done wrong in the relationship. Hopefully we will remember those things before we enter another relationship and avoid making the same mistakes.
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nehuskerfan says:Posted: 28 Sep 06
Great article. Couldn't have said it better myself.
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TheWriter says:Posted: 28 Sep 06
P.S. Nice title...why is that song so sensually enticing..? (I know, I know... Maurice's voice, the sax solo, etc., etc...)
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TheWriter says:Posted: 28 Sep 06
I was taught at an early age that moving on quickly is a good way to avoid pain (new pet replaces old pet) and unfortunately I tried that for years with relationships. I now find -and I can only speak (type?)for myself- that if I forego the grieving process I tend to find myself with the same partner (emotionally speaking) despite my seeking an outwardly opposite person. And at some point I have to take responsibility for that and change myself. I can't continue to be the victin of MY choices. Working on becoming better has allowed me to make increasingly healthier choices. We ALL have some baggage (even if it's only carry-on luggage) and until I dispose of it I'm destined to repeat. I now find that if I take the time to fully grieve a breakup, I tend to be able to come at a new possibility with a freer attitude and a much better chance for success.
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notshytc says:Posted: 28 Sep 06It takes time to heal...as this article confirms.
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charlee1 says:Posted: 28 Sep 06the best way to get over a broken relationship in my opinion is to give yourself time to heal. oftentimes, people jump into a next relationship still having all the emotional baggage left over from the last one. taking time to recover and reflect on what went wrong in the previous relationship will make you determined not to make the same mistakes in next one. great article
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Sweetheart says:Posted: 28 Sep 06
I wish it was just that easy to move on. I just take it one day at a time, plus good friends help!
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HEARTNSOUL23 says:Posted: 27 Sep 06
Nice article! I was in a difficult relationship four years ago and fell head over heals over this person.... well, once the relationship had run its course and he turned out to be a person I would not want to spend my life with, a part of me still loved him and someone had told me that for every month you were with that person, it takes about a week to heal.....so I was with him six months and it did infact take about a month and a half to start thinking about myself again. So thanks for the article.
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Charmaine says:Posted: 27 Sep 06Great Article. If you hold on to the burdens of past relationships, you are in essence preventing yourself from receiving the gifts you truly deserve.
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JADE74 says:Posted: 27 Sep 06I was wondering when this topic was going to come up. It takes time to heal and to move on. We learn something from each relationship:good or bad.We must learn to also forgive and move forward not looking back on the what ifs.... It takes time to heal from a broken heart...Move on and have faith, true and love to give to someone else that deserve you.
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TrueHarmony says:Posted: 27 Sep 06This was an excellent article! Many kudos to you for always bringing such interesting and exciting topics to the website.
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JoAnne says:Posted: 27 Sep 06Leticia, I have to say you, you know how to get deep in someones thoughts and give advise very well. Great job on this one
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shadowlight says:Posted: 27 Sep 06
I just read it, i just need it, thankx a lot, it came in time in my life.
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SoulFlower says:Posted: 27 Sep 06Breaking up was hard for me to do but now it comes easier with time because you shouldn't put yourself through the saddness. Just move on.
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BABYMEAT says:Posted: 27 Sep 06
great article, but alot easier said then done!!!
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Ann says:Posted: 26 Sep 06Leticia, you rock!! Thanks for this article. I will read it over and over. Great for emotional health.
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Fala says:Posted: 26 Sep 06
It's always hard when you lose someone. You just have to give it time and most importantly don't give up!
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embraceme says:Posted: 26 Sep 06
ABOUT TIME SOMEONE TALKS ABOUT THE AFFECTS OF BREAKING UP.. yOU KNOW IT IS HARD ON MEN AND WOMEN .. WE BOTH THINK ABOUT THE AFFECTS WE HAD ON ONE ANOTHER.. BUT AS I LIKE TO SAY ITS A LIL TO LATE TO THINK ABOUT WHAT OR WHO SAID WHAT OR DID WHAT.. I FEEL THAT A REALTIONSHIP WOULD SURVIVE IF ONE YOU SIT AND TALK ABOUT THINGS MORE OPENLY THENYOU DO.. I KNOW THINKING TO YOURSELF ALL DAYLONG WHAT WENT WRONG IS NO GOOD.. IN FACT LETS JUST SAY THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON.. AND ACCEPT THEM AND MOVE ON..WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT THE OLD YOU ALWAYS DHAVE A HABIT OF BRINGIN IT TO THE FUTURE REALTIONSHIPS.. ONE WORD OF ADVICE TO ALL .. ALL MEN ARE NOT THE SAME AS IN NOT ALL WOMEN.. LEARN AND LOVE IS ALL YOU CAN DO ...
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Majesticone says:Posted: 26 Sep 06
Girl. u are so right. i used to carry the weight of one broken relationship to the next and say i was giving a 2nd chance but i would hold on to "waiting for the other shoe to drop" and sometimes unwittingly forcing the shoe to drop. now, i learned to let it go. yes it hurts to loose a partner but if its for the right reasons, then the decision can never be a bad one or regretful one. also forging yourself and the other person is very important and taking something positive away from the situation so you can grow as a person.
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Carla says:Posted: 26 Sep 06
Nice article.....cant love someone else until you can love yourself....Thanks for a great article...
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Kalilah says:Posted: 26 Sep 06
I think this is a wonderful article. As women, we are more inclined to share our feelings about past hurts and letdowns, where as men have been taught to keep things bottled inside and only "punks" show their true feelings. I think if men opened up more about their feelings and communicated better, relationships would be a lot easier. Just my opinion.
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marquez097 says:Posted: 26 Sep 06
It is true that we usually beat ourselves up over things that are out of our control. Moving on is sometimes the hardest thing we can do. Love is often times the hardest thing to let go.
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urprincess41 says:Posted: 26 Sep 06
trusting and forgiving is the hardest thing for me to do. moving on is easy because just like Letcia says you can't make anyone love you or stay.
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Ruben says:Posted: 26 Sep 06This article is great. I have moved on from my previous relationship. I have noting to regret because I did everything that I could and should to make it work out. Clear conscience.
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