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QOTW: White Male Engaged to Black Female Seeks Advice About His Racist Son

Posted by Christelyn, 12 May

When it comes to romantic relationships, we all want our families and friends to be on board with us. And when these relationships are interracial, we need our family and friends to approve them. That's how most of us are wired. But when they are not, this can jeopardize one's relationship.

Our question this week comes from a 42-year-old white father who is engaged to a black woman. He has a son who is racist and who called him a "race-traitor" when he introduced him to this special lady in his life. He is worried that if his fiancee finds out about his son's racism, she might cancel the whole engagement. He asks...

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THE QUESTION

"I'm [42M] divorced and have primary custody of my only son, who's 16. Lately he's become incredibly racist. I am currently engaged to my fiance, who is black, and I'm worried that his extreme racism might jeopardize our relationship.
I noticed it started a while back, it started off really mild and became worse. First he just started making casual jokes about black people, negative comments here and there. It bothered me but I thought he was just being a typical teenage jerk. Then I noticed he was using the 'N' word more and more often. He would say extremely horrible things about black people and other ethnic groups which I don't wish to type out here.
When I introduced him to my girlfriend (my now fiance), he was very polite and charismatic to her. After she left, he unleashed a tirade of slurs against me and her, calling me a "race-traitor". I tried speaking with his teacher at school to find out if he's been around any bad types of people or done anything worrying at school, but apparently he's a perfect goody two shoes at school.
I've been trying to modify his behavior and get him to normalize, but it just leads to fights and arguments. He put up a racist poster in his room, I took it down and tore it apart, and he got angry because I was interfering in his room. I've taken away his computer currently because I thought he might be getting this radical influence from the internet, but I let him use my computer whenever he needs ONLY for school projects and under my supervision.
I really don't know what to do. His mother is a hopeless waste and out of the picture, neither of us have contacted her for years. I'm ashamed to open up about what he's turning into to anybody I know closely, I'm ashamed that my parents or friends might find out my son has become this vitriolic racist and they might think I made him this way. But he acts so nice around other people, its only in private that he shows his true opinions.
I'm afraid my fiance might find out about his true opinions and this might permanently cancel our marriage. If we get married and he's still like this, it will be a nightmare scenario.
Please help me, I really love my son, despite all his faults. I know in his heart he's a good person, I don't know why he's become overcome with this sudden hatred. I know at the heart of his soul he's full of love and empathy, I really hope this racism is just a rebellious phase that he will pass soon and look back on and laugh at one day.
Any ideas?"

MY TAKE

Christelyn Karazin is the co-author of Swirling: How to Date, Mate and Relate, Mixing Race, Culture and Creed. She also operates the popular blog, Beyond Black & White, and operate the first forum dedicated to black women interested and/or involved in interracial relationships.

6 responses to "QOTW: White Male Engaged to Black Female Seeks Advice About His Racist Son"

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CasperMT says:

Posted: 29 Jan 17

It is scientifically proven that we all have the same gene. The human gene. Regardless of skin color, we all have a beating heart, you know, that little thing that determines love. Racism is not a feeling that comes from the heart, it is some deep seated resentment created by conditioning. Whether from an improper upbringing, a bad experience or just ignorance of our human selves. Your son needs counseling to figure out where this deep-seated anger against other human beings comes from. Only then will he begin to see that racism really has no justification or place in our society.

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Cy5 says:

Posted: 28 Jun 16

Your son needs Jesus in his life

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Zah25 says:

Posted: 17 Jun 16

Hmmm!!!! It looks like a boy wants to have a relationship with his mother and he has been longing for so long for that moment of meeting his mother of which turns out that the father doesnt communicate with his mother instead moving on with his life.Children enjoy the relationship of both parents even though they are separated;in this case im sure that the boy wants to have a relationship with his mom irrespective of hw bad is the mother's situation and the what makes him racist could be maybe he has been treated badly with black kids or somebody gave him the wrong information about blacks what he needs to know is that we are no longer livingin apartheid time.Good luck with your son mister.

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psg1488 says:

Posted: 09 Jun 16

Handle it now or lose her forever. One of the first things you should do is let her know about it. Stop hiding it from her. That shows a lack of trust and respect on your part. Second, man up and handle your kid. Let hI'm know you won't accept this behavior or attitude. He will be 18 within a couple of years. If need be, kick him to the curb then. If you are truly in this relationship, act like it. He needs to know that this is your future whether he wishes to be a part of it or not. Trust me, he's going to need you more than you will need him in the future. Perhaps if you open up and include her, you can come to some sort of decision regarding your future with or without your son in it. Because don't forget, this is her future as much as its yours. She may decide to limit exposure to him just to make things easier for all involved until he's 18 and either away at college or moves out. Or she may decide to meet the problem head on. But right now, by hiding it from her, you're not giving her a choice. Children are a product of their environment. So you need to closely examine your son's entire environment from friends to family to see where this mentality and behavior comes from. I wish you luck but honestly don't hold out much hope for this relationship.

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MyPretty says:

Posted: 30 May 16

So, what I am hearing is when you introduced your son to your then "girlfriend" he expressed immediately thereafter his hatred towards other ethnicities and your choice to interact with them. Now going forward she is your " fiance' "and you swept this under the rug this entire time. You also mentioned the mother has not had contact for a couple of years; and your son is sixteen years old now. I am sure you being the primary parent are aware that children are very impressionable, usually around nine or ten years old. It seems to me you if you are trying to trouble shoot the stem of this hatred, you should go back to when you were married to his mother. The views of family and friends of your ex wife is very important to this perhaps contributing to your sons hatred. Moreover, how were you able to conceal this from your fiance' for this length of time? When the maturation of your dating was blossoming, where did this take place? Did you not involve your son in any of the outings to see if your at the time girlfriend would bond with your son? Is your son exposed to other cultures & ethnicities ((school&home))). Is your family diverse? There are so many variables that are not clear; but, do I agree you need to seek a professional who specializes in child behavior, yes, I do. Should you tell your fiance, yes I do. In closing, communicate with your fiance' allow her in this situation, make her aware of what you must do, I think if you keep her in the loop this will not run her away. You are saying to yourself- This is a bad thing ... yes; but, she will understand; more importantly she will respect your decision for telling her because your child needs help - NOW !!!. This will make a much more stable foundation... trust, communication and respect. I am hoping this will some what help you. Good Luck to you;)

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Beautifull10 says:

Posted: 16 May 16

Wow!! Ok, so we have a 16-year-old teenager who secretly lashes out at his father who is engaged to a black woman that has NO knowledge of her stepson's hatred for black people and other ethnic groups. "He would say extremely horrible things about black people and other ethnic groups which I don't wish to type out here" (from his letter). Is this kid angry at his Dad, maybe? Is he afraid of having a mother figure coming into the picture because he was abandon by his biological mother for whatever reason(s), maybe? Lastly, could this be a coward coming to terms of who he is, maybe? I know that I just called him a coward and technically I would not have done so because I am the adult, and I KNOW better, right? Well, that is true, but in this case, I must say what's on my mind. That's what people that hate other races do- they been doing it for decades(repulsive)!!! However, I do believe that he needs to be evaluated by a professional. I am concern about the father as well for the way he minimizes and dismisses his son's behavior. He seems to be looking at other's to blame more so his son because his good son couldn't be this bad seed of his own. " I tried speaking with his teacher at school to find out if he's been around any bad types of people or done anything worrying at school, but apparently he's a perfect goody two shoes at school." The father is in denial or does not KNOW the sensitivity and importance surrounding racism, apparently. The way he makes light of the situation calls for concern to me for his soon to be black wife. He's dismissive because he thinks that it's a phase his son is going through? "First he just started making casual jokes about black people, negative comments here and there. It bothered me but I thought he was just being a typical teenage jerk." "I really hope this racism is just a rebellious phase that he will pass soon and look back on and laugh at one day." "But he acts so nice around other people, its only in private that he shows his true opinions." Ok, no one should look back on being inflicting hurt of any kind let alone racism and laugh!!! If you are a good man with morals, values, and integrity. You will do the right thing and postpone the marriage. There is way too much turbulence in your home to bring your new wife into that could terribly erupt and someone gets hurt or worse. If she loves you and values her standards and beliefs, she will support you and your son while you both seek professional guidance. But to put her in harms way without even sharing this with her is a form of deceit and lies on the highest level and that is NO way to start your new life together as ONE. I know I've said a lot, and some may agree and some may not, but that is ok. I am not in denial about racism and the world we live in and that people die every day because of it. This 42-year-old man has a dangerous situation and so does his fiance if she is given the truth, now. I hope you guys can survive this and live happily ever after because that is what you guys deserves, but her skin color is not going to change and that maybe something his son can't handle. #lovewins #keepsmiling

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