Men Don't Want To Have Sex (All The Time)

When it comes to male sexual desire, men are usually portrayed to always be in the mood for sex. The stereotype is that they cannot turn down a sexual advance even when sick. Today, you will learn that there is a mismatch between how popular culture portrays the male libido and the reality on the ground). Sarah Hunter Murray (Human Sexuality Expert) discussed truths about male desire that overturn the stereotype that men are automatically hypersexual and women less so.

1. Men sometimes don't want to have sex

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When a couple talks about the decrease or lack of sex in their relationship, fingers automatically point to the woman. One of the things that Murray found out is that as men grow older, their sexual desire decreases. The stresses of life drain people emotionally – something we think applies to women only... something we only address with women. With men, it's not discussed to the same magnitude.

From Murray's research, most men said sex ceased to be a priority in their 40s. So guess what the focus shifted to? A good night's sleep (lol!) so that they'd wake up fresh for work. Kids, bills, and work stress take a toll even on men, so naturally, they affect their interest in sex.

2. Men have feelings too

According to Murray's research, men feel things too. So it's never just about the sex.

"The thing I found really fascinating was that if men felt an emotional disconnect from their partner, they might not be in the mood to have sex," said Murray.

Apparently, a mere unresolved fight with a partner can make a man disinterested in sex, even if the woman initiated it. Likewise, if they feel a disconnect and lack of closeness to the woman, that can also contribute to men losing sexual desire. "He just wouldn't feel sexual desire — it was dependent on feeling that emotional closeness first," she added.

Sex isn't just this quick physical activity, as we like to talk about it. Instead, it's a vulnerable and emotional deed because people are naked and as close to their partner as they can ever be.

"It's a way for men to bring those walls down, to feel they can just be themselves. It really is this opportunity to be open, vulnerable, close, connected, and emotional," says Murray.

3. How men feel about their partners initiating sex

If you want to increase sexual desire for men, initiate sex. Men also want to feel sexually desired and wanted by women.

This is not what we have been brought up to believe. Seeing a man as an object of desire is something we are not used to. That said, though, the men surveyed and interviewed how they loved when the rules on who is to initiate sex were reversed. Most people don't know that the men also want the women to compliment, seduce them, get flirtatious with them, and ultimately initiate sex.

Of the essential things about male sexual desire, most men felt their female partners didn't know that initiating sexual activities ultimately made them feel desired.

4. What a man feels when the partner turns down his sexual advances

For men, initiating sex is a vulnerable act that translates to 'I want you. Do you want me too?' They do it because they want to feel that connection. A 'yes' makes a man feel seen and desired. So, as a woman, when you turn down your partner's initiation, he sees it as a rejection of not just the sex but also him as a whole. Hard as it is to believe men get a lot more out of sex than just pleasure.

This is not a ploy to guilt a lady into saying "yes" every time he wants to get it on. It's OK to say "no." If it's a "no," let him down as gently as possible. Let him understand why you are not in the mood, and make sure he understands that it has nothing to do with him – that it is NOT him.

Suggest something like cuddling. It could be he just wanted to feel close. If you are the only one that usually says no, better be the one to initiate it next time.

5. Physical appearance isn’t that important to men?

During the interviews, men generally spoke about liking lingerie and clothes that show some skin. Well, guess what they added? That sexy clothing only mattered so much.

Do you want to know what matters more than sexy attire where the male sexual desire is concerned? Yap! Emotional connection. They want to feel that you are on the same page. Much as it can be fun seeing their partner in lacy lingerie, one of the men's top sexual desires and what they care about more is that there is a mutual longing to be together.

6. Men desire to be committed and be faithful to one partner

Interestingly men in relationships claimed that they desired their partners… That they were the one. They didn't deny noticing other attractive women. All they kept insisting on was how their female partners were the object of their desires.

The men spoke about loving their female partners. When answering the above question, the attention wasn't on looking for other women's attention or being tempted by them. Instead, they focused on the strong connection they had with the women they were in a relationship with.

Let's just say the desire to be in monogamous relationships is there. But the real question is, are they practicing monogamy? Murray said she couldn't guarantee that was the case with all the men in her research group.

7. What men think about sexless marriage

They admitted that this one is pretty difficult because they miss out on a lot of stuff. When a man desires you, and you keep rejecting his sexual advances, he loses interest in trying with time because there is no point to it anyway. This leads to a situation where no one is initiating, and before you know it, you are way deep into a sexless marriage.

There may reach a point where the woman might be hoping that the man will initiate sex at some point, but if the constant rejection is what he has been through, chances are he has blocked the desire to have sex with you and doesn't see the need to pick it up again.

8. What men want women to know about men and porn

As much as the men acknowledged watching porn from time to time, they said it was "very peripheral to their sexual experiences." Men use porn to bridge the gaps between their sexual desires and their female mates'. For instance, most of them watch porn when the time between sexual activities is too long or when their desires are stronger than those of their female partners. "It was something that scratched an itch or provided entertainment," says Murray. Porn is like a supplement to the primary desire – sexual intimacy with the spouse.

Conclusion

People say men are always willing to have sex. This is just but a myth that needs to be demystified. There are so many times when both men and women don't feel like having sex. Sometimes they don't even want to try to get in the mood. Men may like sex a little more than women do. That said, one time or another, even those hypersexual men may experience a lack of sexual desire.

This stereotype that men cannot turn down sexual advances puts pressure on men to go through with the sexual act even when they don't feel like it simply because they are expected to. Having read Murray's research findings, especially when she says men are not always in the mood, I can't even begin to imagine the number of men who force themselves to have sex with their female partners because they feel like they can't say "no."

When a man turns down sex, it doesn't mean that he no longer finds you desirable. Just like it's OK for women to say "no" when not in the mood, so should the same apply to men. Having sex when both of you are willing and excited makes the experience much more enjoyable!

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