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Is it possible to combat racial fetishization on dating sites?

Posted by Sidney, 26 Jul

"I’m ready to dip into some chocolate. Is it true that once you go Black you never go back?"

This the notification that 23-year-old, Autumn, was bombarded with when her phone. You guessed right. It was a message notification from an online dating site. One thing is that there is a fine line between fetishizing messages and compliments.

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Yes, there are those messages that are overtly sexual messages. But then there are also those microaggressions that are disguised as compliments. Most colored women - and some men - have had to deal with racial fetishization on dating sites and apps. The rise in interracial dating sites has positively contributed to the rise in interracial relationships. Unfortunately, these are also the same venues where some members of minority groups are likely to face discrimination in their search for romantic relationships.

So it seems that both positive and negative interactions can be a result of increased interracial communication and contact. Much as there are those who might blatantly show their racism, there is the kind of racism perpetuated under the disguise of wanting to explore the 'exotic'.

How does it feel like to fetishized online?

Here is what a few ladies tell Bustle:

One thing that makes fetishization different from other forms of discrimination is that it takes advantage of the idea of "positive bias" making one's race, body features or any other attributes be something to be desired.

No matter how 'positive' the bias is, according to Ivanna C. Rodriguez-Rojas who is a Cuban-Mexican artist and author of Fetishization for Dummies: Columbia Edition, being fetishized feels like "your existence is seen as a trivial yet alluring prize, or worse, something that needs to be saved and conquered."

29-year-old Tiffany says she gets fetishized because of the stereotype that Asian women are docile and submissive. And after going on dates and then men realize that being docile and submissive is not her personality, she 'typically gets ghosted'.

Megan, 29, an Irish and Latina digital content creator and fat activist says, "You immediately feel like you are no longer a personality — you are just a thing."

Now, we all call this 'positive bias' having a preference. The big question is:Is it wrong to have a preference? What constitutes a preference?

Dating is one of the few aspects of our lives where you are kind of free to say "I am not into this race" OR "I like him because he is... (this particular race).

Much as there are sites that do not set the racial preference choice, apparently it a relevant tool especially for black users globally - it shows diversity and inclusivity. Race filters benefit people of color and indigenous groups because it assist them to search for partners with similar cultural experiences and background.

According to Dr. Keon West, social psychologist and author of paper "Interethnic Bias in Willingness to Engage in Casual Sex Versus Committed Relationships", racial filters don't help people of color in reality especially when it comes to committed relationships saying:

"I understand the argument that some ethnic minorities might prefer to only date members of their own race due to shared experiences of racism/discrimination, but the data shows that that's not what happens in real life. In real life, ethnic minorities are more open to dating interracially, and white people are less so."

Do the filters encourage discrimination and biases?

Not according to West. Even without the racial filters, users still bring racial biases to the table. Much as there may not be racial filters, some dating site algorithms encourage biases. Here is how it happens. If you once liked a certain type of person, then that "type" of people is what you will be shown.

For committed relationships, minorities are less desirable compared to being sought for casual sex. So if they are seen as a potential hookup as opposed to a potential partner, then this perpetuates the idea that ethnic minorities are just but an experience... a type.

Over-sexualization of people of color online is heightened because there's less accountability than with the in-person dating scenario.

"The internet provides a level of safety for harassers since they know their actions will probably not have negative consequences (for them, at least)," Rodriguez-Rojas says. The men get to say whatever they want on dating sites with no consequence.

Chances are if someone has fetishized you, they are probably doing the same to many more.

How can we combat fetishization and racism on dating sites?

First, we need to be aware of it when it happens and report messages from users that are fetishizing or discriminatory. But that is not all. Dating sites should also make sure that such users don't get to do it again by canceling their membership and ensuring that such users are banned from the site.

The problem is, how severe is a report treated by the site and the user? The responsibility of combating racism lies on both the users and the dating site or app. Users need to confront their racial preferences and sites should try to have algorithms that promote racial equity.

One lady, Tiffany proposed the removal of profile pictures so that people choose each other based on personality like the TV show Love Is Blind.

What is your take on this?

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15 responses to "Is it possible to combat racial fetishization on dating sites?"

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  1.   Chillrich21 says:
    Posted: 03 Sep 21

    Lets be honest most times when white people date interracially its a fetish. For the women its all about having a bed buck especially when they have reached a certain age when white guys are no longer checking for them and they have had white kids then is like lets try black men which is insulting and for the most yes most white guys think black women are easy to sleep with and for the most part they are for non black men who most of the time just use them for gutter sex then dump them

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  2.   PAwoman says:
    Posted: 07 Jun 21

    I've actually had a white guy on this very dating site as a matter of fact, tell me, that "he loves black p***y!!!!" That was his words to me when reaching out to me on my profile!! Big turn off!

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  3.   HeyLaSoul says:
    Posted: 24 Sep 20

    I am fetishized for curves and full lips. Men think it’s a compliment but often times it comes off as slimy.

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  4.   StyxFan77 says:
    Posted: 19 Aug 20

    This is ridiculous. Women fetishize about men HAVING TO BE 6’ or taller. So please tell me how someone’s preference in what they find attractive constitutes a “fetish”. I’ll wait. Let the hypocrisy begin.

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    • Starr83 says:
      Posted: 24 Aug 20

      You’re an established example of what the article touches on. Of course you’d like someone to engage you, so you can flat out gaslight while lacking total self awareness. The good news is: there are plenty of men like you on this website. So you’re in good company. Lol

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  5.   lisa_shai20 says:
    Posted: 06 Aug 20

    Not having access to profile pictures may stop a lot of people from responding. I personally don't respond to men without photos. I know it may not seem fair but it's just my decision. You can get a bit of perspective about someone by viewing their photos.

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  6.   Charity0824 says:
    Posted: 05 Aug 20

    Unfortunately I've experienced this in real life and online.

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  7.   LookingFor81 says:
    Posted: 04 Aug 20

    How about stop moaning about it. If you are on this site then you are most likely not racist. Jeez!

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    • TraceyMarie says:
      Posted: 09 Aug 20

      We'll stop moaning about when it stops happening to us.

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      • MsRoseGold says:
        Posted: 14 Aug 20

        Exactly

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        • StyxFan77 says:
          Posted: 19 Aug 20

          Exactly what? Y’all fetishize about men having to be 6’ tall so what’s with your hypocrisy?

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          • Starr83 says:
            Posted: 24 Aug 20

            Yes, because a preference is totally the same a fetishist. I’m sure those women seek out men over 6 feet tall to use them, stereotype them and then disregard them. Lol A racist can have sex with a person of color like a misogynist can have sex with a woman. This site is has become a parody and case study..

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          • Starr83 says:
            Posted: 24 Aug 20

            *because having a preference is the same as being a fetishist.

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