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Can we be honest about interracial dating to one another?

Posted by James, 06 Jan

In this era of identity politics and race, it's hard to be sure whether we can honestly speak our minds when talking about interracial relationships to one another. Most of us find it difficult to express our thoughts on love and race. Some things are actually quite sensitive.

With the internet and pop culture, people are becoming more expressive. So we have a more complex understanding of attraction and race. Speaking of attraction and desirability, people are now shedding light on how Asian men are as sexy as men from all other races.

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When it comes to discussing love and race between couples, its a pretty sensitive topic to navigate, especially with racial identity and race being the most popular topics on social media and the news.

There are some people in interracial relationships with white people who find themselves questioning their relationships and desirability. Then there are times you find yourself protecting your spouse from your judgmental family and find it hard to address this issue with one another. There is the issue of fetishizing a certain race that has been brought to the limelight which sometimes, might make one wonder whether someone is really attracted to them or the person is objectifying them. And then there is that inner voice that might make you feel that you really are betraying your race by dating interracially.

So today lets use this platform to candidly express our thoughts. Is it that you need to talk to your spouse about race? Are you just looking for a place where you can talk freely about things you can't tell your spouse? Are you looking for a space to express yourself freely without having to get defensive about why you are in an interracial relationship? Well, the floor is yours. Let's hear it...

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48 responses to "Can we be honest about interracial dating to one another?"

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  1.   Immytessy says:
    Posted: 16 Nov 20

    True love no boundaries,Race or ethnicity..!

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  2.   Timetraveler says:
    Posted: 13 Nov 20

    Among the most egregious problems we face was likely unintentionally expressed in the first sentence of this article, namely => "In this era of identity politics and race...", followed by “…a pretty sensitive topic to navigate, especially with racial identity…”~!! I've been on this site for a while as a paid member, making a sincere and concerted effort to find a life companion, as this site was recommended to me, given I have dated inter-racially over most of my adult life, including almost married to a black woman, not materializing only due to relocation issues. It has been made abundantly clear on this site many women of color are unfortunately infected with the poison of "identity politics", promoted and constantly reinforced by one of the two major political parties and their politicians. “Identity politics”, a destructive divide-and-conquer ideology, where on a personal level represents the apogee of narcissism, on a cultural level eviscerates a civil society. The poison affects many black women on this site, even to the point where they explicitly proclaim if a viewer of their profile supports a particular political party or person, to NOT contact them~!! We also have the more hate-possessed affiliates of the party of “identity politics” who have publicly proclaimed how white males in relationships with black women, including those in a stable marriage with interracial children, are just fulfilling a “fetish”, and are condemned as another manifestation of the plantation. Rather absurd coming from allies of what is historically the party of slavery, the KKK, etc, whose contemporary currency is dividing us into conflicting groups of contrived oppressors and oppressed. This article also defers to such racially charged notions by citing the issue of “fetishizing a certain race” or “the person is objectifying them”, and the “inner voice that might make you feel that you really are betraying your race…”. What was odd about that statement on this website, was the remaining article made no effort to counter or refute such a divisive statement. We can fully acknowledge some stereotypes have survived to this day, such as the story of the couple in the grocery store featured in the article. However, I have found this issue to be the exception, NOT the rule. I've personally experienced the stereotypes, as well as resentments, working BOTH WAYS, where to this day the occasional stares and glares are as much or more from those of color beyond what I notice from whites. I've had the most resentment from black males, one example when walking with a black girlfriend many years ago crossing a street near a major outdoor shopping district in the Kansas City Missouri area, who attempted to run me down with their car. Ironically, given many women on this site appear to be influenced by "identity politics", I question why they’re on a site like this in the first place. To be honest, most of the women I've communicated with on this site who are the least resentful and political are those who are not living within the USA, even where racial injustice really does exist. Unfortunately, many such women present substantial relocation issues. Be that as it may, this website does offer an opportunity to connect with potential companions of different cultures, which has been compelling, given many other ethnicities or nationalities are not captivated or driven by the same indignations or political prejudices. Due to the hyper-racialized climate promoted here in the USA and the prolific scope of "identity politics" affecting so many, considering other cultures has become more appealing, albeit the distances involved present the primary challenges. We are not likely to progress as a culture until more of us recognize all races are part of the HUMAN RACE, not one or the other race harboring embattled historical obsessions, allegiances, or victim-based ideologically driven outrage. Would be interesting to see how receptive we would be today to Dr Martin Luther King Jr. if he were still living, repeating what he stated almost 60 years ago, regarding us being judged by the “content of our character”. I would also consider Malcolm X, when he came to terms with how all races and ethnicities should be accepted as “equal in the sight of God” after his pilgrimage to Mecca. Namaste…

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  3.   Charlesew says:
    Posted: 13 Nov 20

    Iam with Ray... For true love race doesn't matter!

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  4.   trustin333 says:
    Posted: 10 Nov 20

    I dated a girl who was black and it was such a beautiful thing. She was very racist against other blacks, and even had anger issues towards whites and others. In all black environments I experienced intimidation. and strange looks, even at a black church. As a white man I have experienced discrimination based on looks, color, financial status, and more. Prejudice is a universal thing and not just a black issue, if you think it is you are kidding yourself.

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    • PAwoman says:
      Posted: 10 Nov 20

      ??? That's perplexing that she would have anger issues towards whites and you , yourself is white? She must have had self hatred issues if she was "racist" against Black too... I was always told that blacks can't be racist, prejudice, but not racist.

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  5.   Blaqreign469 says:
    Posted: 09 Nov 20

    I was married to a white woman for 7 years and we have a daughter. We.never really had tbe talk because my ex-wife was on board with race issues of that time. We never had any issues of race between us because we didn't see it in our relationship. I was a man and she was a woman who loved each other and we looked beyond that. If anyone around us had issues with our relationship, it was THEIR issue.

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  6.   ladyperidot says:
    Posted: 09 Nov 20

    Thank you for confronting this issue head on. I agree with you that pretending it doesn't exist is not the answer to trying to come to a good place with this. I was married to my white husband who didn't believe that black people were profiled in stores. So, we decided to test it out. I went into a clothing by myself, and he followed. There were other people in the store. As soon as I entered someone came to ask if I need help. I told the clerk I was just browsing. She stood close by just watching. My husband was watching her as she watched me. He was right there in front of him that was I was telling him was the truth. I agree with you. I is not until you see it for yourself can you relate. It was an eye-opening moment for him.

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  7.   Anchz says:
    Posted: 09 Nov 20

    I would be honest, truthfully telling about my thoughts, ideas, being fair to anybody else, have good communication with them treating as human being, I can do the best as I can...reason why signing in this site looking the love of my life, a guy who give love, committed, faithful, honest, respectful and God fearing

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  8.   Scenicviews2 says:
    Posted: 09 Nov 20

    Bob, Thank you for taking the time to understand and comprehend what your wife has gone through and will continue to do so periodically. So, the best thing you can do is to listen to her hurts and console her when you can. My first question to you is, were you born in the United States? If not, you may have heard of slavery in the U.S. ? The glamorization of black women long ago did not exist. Black women were always depicted as nannies, mammies, maids, subjects of sexual predators, and worse. Always in servitude. Take into account all of the movies depicting women of color as servants. That being the case, and most of America not extinguishing their stereotypical attitudes, it is quite easy to mistake a woman of color tending to children who may appear to be white as the “caretakers” of those children. First you see color and if the viewer happens to be intelligent enough, then discern the resemblance. I think you give people way too much credit. Do not assume that people are educated nor intelligent -- especially in the U.S.A. The same textbooks that taught children forty or more years ago have not been updated -- much less updated with truthful information. Honestly, man, do you know I still encounter people who do not believe that the Holocaust took place! Open dialogue and reading is the only way to quash ignorance. Although I reside in the South now, when I lived in NY metropolitan area, there would be caretakers (nannys, maids, babysitters, etc.) at the rail stations on their way to their various assignments -- caring for children, elderly, disabled, whoever needed the service and the agencies were raking in the dough. Ninety-nine percent of the caretakers were women of color, from other countries and a small fraction from the U.S. I worked as a caretaker for 5 months with an Armenian woman who had had a stroke. I know women who went through the same experience as your wife did with their biological children. Men rarely experience this, as most caretakers are female. Again, listen and learn; she’s lucky to have your ear. I don’t need to tell you that children need to be involved in the dialogue at some point reassuring them that they are loved and an integral part of this world. There is so much more that needs to be said on race, ethnicity, etc. I had to rein myself in and made this entry as short as I could. A

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  9.   BlackQueen70 says:
    Posted: 09 Nov 20

    When I see someone I’m attracted to it’s not the color it’s the vibes it’s how they respect me and how we just click. I just don’t know how to approach or what they really want from me. We have different backgrounds and hobbies and habits, I just want to learn to be happy being me and learn to exist with someone outtmy race. It’s all about how I perceive it tone happy as well as him, the rest of the world doesn’t matter. I only want to make him happy and myself as well. My dream boyfriend, partner in life, my husband and soulmate is someone outside my race. I’ve given my race almost 50 years to love me right, I feel it’s time I do differently for my sake my happiness. I have so much love to give and I know my soulmate is waiting to receive it all.

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    • PAwoman says:
      Posted: 10 Nov 20

      I totally understand where you are coming from! I started to think differently about dating outside my race around the time that I turned 50 also I was just ready for something new. So I'm in agreement.!

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  10.   Wildstar20 says:
    Posted: 09 Nov 20

    I was raised there is only one race, the HUMAN race! This idea that one race is better or more superior should have died with the dinosaurs! We have created more strife and suffering because of some people perpetuating that we are completely different, that cannot be further from the truth and it continues to divide us, as a country and as a planet! Mandisa did a song awhile back that said we all bleed the same, it’s true! Last time I looked I haven’t seen anything that even closely resembles a alien from another world and even if we did have new life, what right do we have to either judge or destroy it! I pray for the day that we truly don’t ever see race or color in people again and live in harmony and fall in love with who our hearts may ever find attractive!

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  11.   Raymond916 says:
    Posted: 09 Nov 20

    For true love no problem the skin colour

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  12.   Flowergirl98 says:
    Posted: 09 Nov 20

    With the recent announcement of Kamala Harris being Vice President elect, and being married to a White man, I'm hearing criticisms that she shouldn't have married a White man. Because she has married a White man, some question her loyalty to the Black community.

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    • blackbelle01 says:
      Posted: 23 Jan 21

      Why do they question her loyalty to the black community when they don't question a black man whose married to a ww loyalty to the black community. i have always said that IR marriage/dating is only a problem if a BW does it. Date/marry and love who want to BW its your life not theirs.

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  13.   gsogrl says:
    Posted: 09 Nov 20

    In my situation it's never been the man I was dating but his family or his friends, ect. who had an issue. If people would just mind their own business things may have worked out.

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  14.   keefe05 says:
    Posted: 09 Nov 20

    I would love to have a coloured wife I think they make good mothers and wife's I have no qualms to having a coloured wife

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  15.   rjrucla says:
    Posted: 08 Nov 20

    I was married to a black woman for 25 until she passed. I can’t believe the ignorance of this guy, his wife is black and he obviously knows nothing about her/black culture. I can’t believe he now believes there’s a lot of racists out there because some old woman thought his wife was a nanny. He has a whole lot more to learn.

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    • Effrah says:
      Posted: 09 Nov 20

      Wow articulated dear....

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    • PAwoman says:
      Posted: 10 Nov 20

      It's sad that it took something like that to open his eyes and that he was oblivious... but now, he's learning

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  16.   Cherrymalt says:
    Posted: 08 Nov 20

    Sure. When there is a connection and genuine love, why should there be a problem? True love sees no colour. We are all from the same race. Family members or friends should never interfere with ones choice of mate. Just accept the fact these two persons can be themselves snd love freely.

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  17.   raygenious says:
    Posted: 08 Nov 20

    Yes why do we have to be titled BLACK WOMEN. Why can't we just be Beautiful Women or Beautiful lady. Why do I have to black first. Never liked Titles

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  18.   Chorley2002 says:
    Posted: 08 Nov 20

    Here’s my response to who wider spectrum of Dating Sites when a question was posed on the Facebook page of a Dating Site asking for chances rating from 1-10 of ever actually meeting someone. I just had to respond as I feel the same way about this Inter Racial one to. My response as follows: A definite 0 on here. Also no more than 1 or 2 on other similar sites to. Not that I lack confidence in myself, but have a belief that if it’s meant to be I terms of finding someone for Romantic Relationship reasons it will happen. Now I know some will disagree but there are those around (and yes I’m one of them) that simply aren’t meant to meet that so called someone special. I accepted this a while ago and fortunately have great Hobbies and some decent Friends that help me find happiness in my life. I simply refuse to practically beg for a Woman to like me (as I get the impression some Men do judging by some Postings on these type of Facebook pages) as it’s a case of what you see is what you get. Do of course realise that I could still unexpectedly meet someone.

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  19.   Cy42020 says:
    Posted: 05 Aug 20

    If I see an attribute I love in a lady I go for her whether she is an Asian, white, black or arab. Love and relationship works on feelings and attraction not colour

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  20.   Prettylil1 says:
    Posted: 27 Jul 20

    If you half to ask the question, can we be honest about interracial dating. Then there's a problem already. If you love someone, really,then you don't have inter thoughts about race. But if you're the type of person that see color,then you will always have that inter something that have you guessing.

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    • Ilikemiketoo says:
      Posted: 09 Nov 20

      Help me please. The "I don't see color" concept is troublesome to me. I see color. All color. I'd no more ignore a woman's skin tone than I would her eyes or shape. I see. I love botanical gardens. Horticulture is an interest of mine. Whenever I go, I see and appreciate ALL that I see. But there's no question in my mind that I gravitate to certain flowers. Either because of intense color, scent, structure, whatever. May be hard to pick a favorite. May have multiple flowers that struck me significantly but it isn't because I'm c color blind. And there's a part of me that thinks, if someone tells me they are color blind, I feel they are overlooking the obvious rather than acknowledging it, appreciating it and yes, are more than happy to search deeper than this millimeter of melanin.

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  21.   Jezzabella says:
    Posted: 15 Jul 20

    The term "race" is a myth, a divisive tool used to keep people separated, rather than integrated, and to perpetuate the ridiculous notion of "minority vs majority" or "dominant vs subordinate". As a Cultural Anthropology Ph.D academic, let me break in down for you, as my beloved Archaeology Professor and a number of other intelligent beings did for me. I'll try to keep it short, and not too scientific. Humans are a species, a genus, a "race of beings", get it? "Human Beings". So what makes this true? Well, unlike donkeys and mules, dogs and cats and other disparate species of mammals, WE can share genetic material; i.e, we can reproduce and make little human beings, with no problem what so ever, whether we cross ethnic lines or not. In order to do that, we have to be exactly the same in physiological structure, or it simply will not work, no matter what the tabloids say... When we "cross-breed", another stupid term, our off-spring tend to engender the best traits of each parent, if we're talking about making kids the "old fashion way." Mendel proves this theory in the 1800s by cross-breeding red and white roses; the off-spring pink roses were taller, stronger, hardier and in many cases, better looking than their parents. He performed this experiment countless times with other similar species and the results were always the same. The farming industry has him to thank for all the super flowers, veggies, and grains we have access to today...in fact, we may have gotten a little too jiggy with the "super strain" idea...Hitler tried it, and he didn't fail, he was just too freakin' crazy....and evil. Anyway, I digress... It has been said, that if we must separate people by categories, blood type would make more sense, since we can't all share that, not even in our own families. But there's no time to discuss that here. All I'm saying is separating people by their skin color is crazy, underneath that millimeter layer of melanin, lies spirits, hearts, minds, hopes, and dreams. And in the end, most of us all want the same things: to be safe, cared for, happy and most of all loved...and those desires are just some of what connects us all as one species, human beings here on earth.

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    • CARGUY1956 says:
      Posted: 08 Nov 20

      Wow everything you said was right on point I agree with you 100% and you're pretty lady lol

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    • Ilikemiketoo says:
      Posted: 09 Nov 20

      Love the phrase "millimeter of melanin".

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    • Ilikemiketoo says:
      Posted: 09 Nov 20

      Thanks for your observations. We ARE the human race. I've never cared for the term "mixed" and opt for the term bi-racial. But now even that seems strange. How do you offspring of black and white parents? Or other ethnicities?

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    • olajola says:
      Posted: 09 Nov 20

      So , so true ! Finally voice of wisdom! I came to US 35 years ago from Poland and it’s sickening to see how they are pinning one “ race “ against another .

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  22.   KevinWinz says:
    Posted: 02 May 20

    I don't think one should ever need to compromise with any one outside of the relationship about a partner that they've chosen. I would actually take that as toxic and I'd be compelled to walk away from that poison before it got to my head and ruined a great thing. It happens all the time, to a lot of people. It's a shame.

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  23.   Jayce__ says:
    Posted: 21 Feb 20

    I must say, as a very well travelled/cultred person, I'm kind of surprised by the subject matter here on this site/blog regarding interrracial relationships. By that I mean that there is alot of talk about acceptance from others and shame on various sides and not being able to communicate lovingly about race...??? I can tell you that the best kind of relationship (especially in the case of interracial) is one where you aren't so concerned about the political/social media/family acceptance side of things and you just focus on your private reason for loving and being attracted to the other person. It's a private matter and not anyone elses business how or why you feel for someone. I can also see that these people that are concerned about such things need to get outside of their personal bubble and maybe go immerse yourself in someone elses culture and really experience it without prejudice. Real love has nothing to do with race and if you can't even have a loving conversation about it, then maybe you are not ready for the relationship. I just felt like someone had to say something about this. Believe me, I know how difficult cross cultural relationships can be, but generally no one really puts themselves in the other's shoes and tries to really understand the other side. Too many opinioins and not enough genuine cultural acceptance. If you want someone eleses culture in your life, you must be ready and accepting and not selfish or self centred. You must be ready to let go of these things and you will find yourself in a beautiful place that not everyone really knows because they can't get there.

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  24.   60for30 says:
    Posted: 27 Jan 20

    We were brought up against incest, yet I think the media has been trying to get people to fetishize the Statue of Liberty, Sherlock Holmes and the guys on money. It is quite annoying. I think I should date someone my height, since in 3rd grade I was kicked in the shins and called a big ape. I have Darwin to thank for that I suppose.

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  25.   Justified001 says:
    Posted: 23 Jan 20

    When it comes to love and happiness, what should matter is how the two people feel about each other and do they want to be together. Race should not matter or should be an issue of small consequence. As for family acceptance, what they should be looking at is how happy the person makes their family member and is this a healthy or toxic relationship in how the family member is being treated by the other person. If the relationship is healthy and positive, BE Happy for your family member and give the person a chance.

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  26.   RozApr57 says:
    Posted: 22 Jan 20

    I don't see why not. There's nothing wrong with expressing your feelings without stepping on each other's toes.

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  27.   Jfabie says:
    Posted: 16 Jan 20

    To me the skin color don't matter at all it all about respect, love, communication, honesty once we have those we won't even think or seen our selves as black or white . I always find whites man attractive I don't know why but there's so many good things about them that I love I'm not saying black folks don't have them but it can be different though

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  28.   Feonix says:
    Posted: 14 Jan 20

    This is so relevant. I have a great guy in my life that I met on this site. But now we’re not talking because we had a massive conversation about race. He believes that I’m too connected to being black as a tribal mindset versus being black from a place of power. There’s been so much growth having him in my life. So much fun and peace. But I realized tonight that we just don’t see eye to eye on my view concerning being black. It was typical white mindset vs black mindset. It was uncomfortable. It was intense. It was painful. I decided to let go. Whatever he decides is cool. I’m over defending myself for my awareness of the black struggle. I won’t stop celebrating wins and victories in the black community. But it hurts because I care about him deeply and I don’t want it to end. After it’s all said and done, I’d rather settle for a good man than abandon the celebration of my people to have an amazing man in my life. Hurts but I will be okay.. I will be okay.

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    • SALANDREA says:
      Posted: 17 Jan 20

      IMO racial, religion and political issues should be civil discussions amongst couples. If it leads to anything more (resentment, anger ect) it's an indication that the annoyed person does not value your thoughts. Take a step back an evaluate. And never.... constantly push your beliefs onto another

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      • Ilikemiketoo says:
        Posted: 09 Nov 20

        I refer to things like politics, religion and racial issues as 3rd rail kinds of subjects. As long as we are compatible enough to have the discussion and concerned enough about the other person's thoughts, opinions and feelings there really shouldn't be any taboo topics. A healthy dose of appreciation for each other's lifes experiences goes a long way as well. To date a black woman means appreciating her for all that she has seen and experienced.

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    • Mercedez8 says:
      Posted: 09 Nov 20

      It’s ok. I experienced this kind situation many times and It hurts. But never settled for less. You have a right to celebrate what you want and if he cares about you he will see what you tried to say and celebrate with you.

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  29.   Liam_Reedus says:
    Posted: 12 Jan 20

    Well each relationship is different. You have to know what you want and figure out if your spouse is in the same boat. As of right now my relationship is great. Me and my spouse speak very often. Yet I'm christian so not all will share my thoughts here but technically it's still the same in reality of all. God created the world and all in it. Each maybe different but god knows we all fall in love different ways different reasons. You must be evenly yolked. That has nothing to do with shade as does your moral and values. Like if your a free spirit being with a settled spirit wont work. Yet the struggle is real on figuring out if its a fetish or legit love. White men remember when dating women of other colors there is a stigma to dating them as well as you first off let that go and let her understand your true intentions. Don't by all means don't make reading her profile and pretending to be what she's looking for your thing. She will find out. Women are inquisitive yet they are very adapt in looking for gaps she will find out just be honest. If she likes you for whom you are then hey all to the future. Same extent if she doesn't then let it be.

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  30.   ForevaNaDay says:
    Posted: 12 Jan 20

    I have always found white men to be attractive, but as a black woman, I struggle with finding a way to connect with them. I mean, the conversations will be going great, then all of a sudden, I get a peen pic. Any suggestions? FYI: I’m very upfront and honest about what I want on my profile.

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    • Liam_Reedus says:
      Posted: 14 Jan 20

      It's not just white boys there. Unfortunately most boys today don't think they have to treat a woman well just flash their parts and its good cause being taught you have to earn what you want and the best things in life aren't free. It's sad reality which may have been just as bad years ago we just didn't have all the technology to show it.

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